Articles
Stop Receiving Anonymous Complaints
Stop Receiving Anonymous Complaints
By Brad Harrub
How can we make our local congregations stronger? Stop allowing members to hide behind the elders and instead, encourage reconciliation between members. Teach members how to address other members in the spirit of humility, mercy, and love. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard about elders confronting members or the preacher with a complaint from another member. Oftentimes, this confrontation is done while keeping the complaining party anonymous. And so, the confronted member sits in an elders’ meeting on the receiving end of comments like:
• We’ve been told your children made a mess in the teacher’s workroom.
• We’ve had complaints that your sermons are too short/long.
• Someone came to us about something you put on Facebook.
• We’ve had complaints about your children running through the building.
• The sermon you preached offended some of our members.
• Someone came to us about your daughter’s immodest dress.
And the list goes on and on and on.
Sadly, when you ask who the complaining party is the common response is: “They have asked that we not reveal their name.” As a result, the person who is confronted never has the ability to fully explain to that person their side or more importantly, to reconcile. Instead, the confronted party spends the next 24 hours trying to figure out exactly who brought up the complaint, and bitterness often ensues.
I know personally of elders who have positioned themselves in various congregations as the person to "go to" if you have charges against someone else. They are quick to hear complaints. Sadly, these same men are not pursuing reconciliation between members. They are simply trying to be people pleasers and smooth things over without the risk of confrontation. While they may believe this anonymous approach is most beneficial, simply put, it does not work, and it goes against the Biblical principle of reconciliation. It also goes against Matthew 18 when sin is involved. Instead, it turns the situation into a battle of “he said/she said,” with members trying to determine whose side the elders are on.
Proverbs 18:17 says, “The first one to plead his cause seems right, until his neighbor comes and examines him.” Solomon recognized that the first person to complain “seems right” -- but he recognized there are two sides to most matters.
Imagine the changes that would happen if elders refused to hear these complaints, and instead instructed the complainer to speak to the person who offended them. Don't like something the preacher said? Let's go talk to him and see if he really meant it the way you heard it. Imagine how many relationships could be salvaged if the leadership of the congregation just facilitated a face-to-face meeting between the two parties.
For instance, imagine this hypothetical situation: A woman comes to the elders complaining about someone’s children making a mess in the teacher’s workroom. She demands they confront the mother of the children, put a lock on the door to the workroom, and make an announcement that children under 16 are no longer allowed in the workroom. Imagine the difference that would occur if the elder she approached, instead asked her to go with him and meet with the mother of the child. Maybe before the meeting, he studies with her on humility or loving as Jesus loved. Imagine if the mother of the child was allowed to apologize and offered to have her child clean up the mess or offered money to replace wasted supplies. Or imagine if the mother pointed out that while she and her children were in the workroom, it was actually someone else who made the mess.
The point is this: bringing the two parties together allows both sides to be clearly explained and allows for the chance of reconciliation. If we want our local congregations to be strong, we must be able to confront one another in the spirit of love, realizing we are all a part of the same Christian family with the same goal of heaven.
(Editor’s comments: Perhaps the first response to someone who brings a complaint against another member should be to ask -- Have you spoken with them about this? And the response that should follow if the answer is “No” should be -- When do you plan to speak with them? Members fail to exhibit the spirit of Christ when they insist on anonymity, and elders who facilitate them, fail in their duty to Christ and the local church. --prb)
A Moments Wisdom
--“The reason the world is not seeing Jesus is that many Christian people are not filled with Him. They are satisfied with attending services weekly, reading the Bible occasionally, and praying sometimes. It is a dreadful thing to see people who profess to be Christians, but who are instead lifeless, powerless, and in a place where their lives are so parallel to unbelievers’ lives that it is difficult to tell which place they are in, whether in the flesh or in the spirit.” (S. W. Worth)
--Stephen Hawking said, “Religion is a fairytale for those afraid of the dark.” In answer to him, John Lennox said, “Atheism is a fairy tale for those afraid of the light.”
--Our children are not falling away because the church is doing a poor job. Our children are falling away because we are asking the church to do what God designed the family to accomplish.” (V. Baucham)
--People do not like love; they like the flittery, flirty feeling of love. They don’t love love, because true love is sacrificial, ferocious, not emotive. Our culture doesn’t love love, it loves the idea of love. It wants the emotion without paying anything for it.
--“Work ethic is important because, unlike intelligence, athleticism, charisma, or any other natural attribute, it’s a choice.” (Mike Rowe)
--In the USA, we have the right to remain silent, but very few seem to have the ability to.
--A fact is information minus emotion. An opinion is information plus experience. Ignorance is opinion lacking information and experience. Stupidity is an opinion that ignores facts and experience.
--You don’t see faith healers working in hospitals for the same reason you don’t see psychics winning the lottery.
--People don’t always say “I love you.” Sometimes it sounds like: “Be safe,” or “did you eat? or “call me when you get home,” or “here, I made this for you.”
--“Grief, I have learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” (Jamie Anderson)
--“It is usually futile to try to talk facts and analysis to people who are enjoying a sense of moral superiority in their ignorance.” (Thomas Sowell)
--“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.” (Washington Irving)
--Conformity is doing what everyone else is doing, regardless of what is right. Morality is doing what is right, regardless of what everyone else is doing.
Upcoming Sermons
1/26/25 AM - Unbelievers and Judgment Day; PM - Bridging the Generation Gap in churches of Christ
2/2/25 AM - Guest Speaker: David Dann; PM - Themed Singing Service: The Suffering Servant of God
2/9/25 AM - 2024 Report on the Work at Trilacoochee; PM - Psalms for the 21st Century Christian
2/16/25 AM - “And the Rains Descended”; PM - “Set a Guard Over My Mouth”
2/23/25 AM - Why are Some Afraid of the Gospel?; PM - Growing Up with Tares
